Who to pay attention to

Midway through my 5th year, I felt lost in my Ph.D. Why? because I grew and learned so much for the past 5 years, and at the same time I held the same goal that I started graduate school with.

I kept myself at work without asking for advice longer than I wish I had. I did not reach out to people with similar experiences, past or present, to hear what they had to say. I was surrounded by the academy. It made sense to me to ask for advice from professors.

Inside of me, a more complex view of myself was growing. In a podcast, I heard that maybe I could put work in the service of family, rather than keeping them separate.

The initial goal I set was to become a professor, but that was not attractive to me anymore. I scheduled a meeting with a famous professor in my department, the one with the most academic recognition, papers published, awards won, and grant money accumulated.

This professor told me his point of view, maybe he dropped off a few shoulds but I don't recall. I was enthralled by his impetus to proclaim that the academy was above anything else. This professor was not part of my defense committee or had any direct influence on my carrer.

After leaving the meeting a feeling of dread dawn upon me. For some mysterious reason, I felt I had disappointed this professor with no bearing on my career for not wanting to pursue a professorship.

I was paying close attention to his voice because he had a reputation that backed him up, but he knew me little to nothing. His advice was general and more like his opinion only. Not a discourse that carried some of my personal story in it. How could I apply the personal desires of another individual on top of my intimate story?

It is hard to stand up for myself. To put my own path first, even above the people to whom there is a communal admiration. Ultimately my life is my own decision, and I have collected all my life in my memories - I could decide best. Being aware that a famous professor's opinion could change my mood was another step in the continuous ladder of growing up.

The scenario will repeat again in the future, I know that for sure. I also know how it feels to give my attention to a person just because they bear some recognition. In those future cases, I hope to continue to identify mine and their opinion.